Last night I encountered feelings of guilt out of nowhere. Here I was getting ready for bed and a rush of guilt crossed my mind. I felt anxious and ill thinking all these thoughts. “Am I doing the right thing?” “Good people don’t act this way.” “Why am I exposing the abuse?” ‘It should be kept hidden, hide the abuse.” I felt deep guilt over these thoughts & empathy for my abusers. It was like Stockholm syndrome or something.
Quickly I sat and consulted my husband. He advised me that what I was feeling is a part of the abuse they had instilled in me. It’s the abuse still taking a hold deep in my psyche. The dysfunction and pain the abusers mark you with is a life long sentence. I decided to put into practice a new technique. I felt the trigger and emotion, embraced it, processed it, and worked through it right then and there. The technique consisted of me fully feeling the emotion. In this case I felt anxiousness and grief, I sought out help from my husband immediately. I did not shut down at that moment. I discussed with him the thoughts I was experiencing. I listened to his feedback and he reassured me. After discussing it, I felt better. There is no room for ignoring emotions and triggers in my life any longer. I have to deal with it in the moment.
Today, I woke up feeling refreshed and surprisingly ok. Reflecting over these negative thoughts I found that: these thoughts are part of the dysfunction, it’s my abusers voices in my head and not my own, and I am getting closer to healing.