We usually hear this phrase when someone tries to deny the abuse other people have imposed on you. Some people who are using this phrase are well meaning because they want you to get better and move pst the pain. There are others who use this to inflict additional pain into your life. Let’s break down this phrase.

When this phrase is used after you have opened up about a painful subject, you have been subjected to, it causes a secondary wound. They are saying, “your pain is making me feel uncomfortable so I need to say something to make you stop”. It is imperative to seek advice from others who are knowledgeable about what you are trying to move past.

Those individuals who are abusive and want to continue to abuse make comments such as forgive and forget to tap into your guilt. They turn it around to subconsciously state, “what is wrong with you?”, “why can’t you move on?”, “you are selfish”, and/ or “your speaking out is hurting our chances to keep hurting you”.

Healing your pain has nothing to do with forgetting. It has everything to do with growing past the pain. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not mutually exclusive. They are two separate entities. We can CHOOSE to forgive on our own. We do not need the second party to be present. Forgiveness is a long process that can take weeks/ months/ years depending on the traumatic experience. It is not an instantaneous process.

Reconciliation is something that happens between both parties. After forgiveness, if both parties show an understanding of the occurrence and want to reconcile then that is their choice. One party CANNOT bully another party into accepting or giving forgiveness. Bullying an apology leaves the victim with unresolved feelings and lack of healing.



One Reply to “Forgive and Forget”

  1. Thanks for articulating in a few words something I struggled with when trying to get pain addressed. We need validation from more healthy sources that’s for sure, otherwise we keep believing we need to just ‘suck it up’.

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