A line was delivered on a show I watch that resonated deeply: actions have consequences. Simple words. But for people who have spent years navigating relationships where accountability was avoided at all costs, they land like something important.
When things happen in our lives, sometimes your actions have consequences. Real ones. You have to take accountability for what you have done. If you do not, your relationships will suffer for it. A simple apology does not fix anything, especially an empty one. The people you have hurt want a real apology followed by a plan of action. And then they want to see you hold up that plan.
An apology without changed behavior is just words. Words are easy. Behavior is the proof.
I want to be honest here because I think it matters. We are all capable of messing up. I know I do, quite often. Contrary to what some people might assume about me, I do apologize, and I am good about holding up my side of things. Do I get it right every time? No. But I am trying. I also do forgive. That might surprise people. I forgive the people who show me they are genuinely working on it. Do they still mess up sometimes? Yes. Is there room to keep working? Also yes.
What I have let go of is the illusion of forgiveness with people who are not really trying. With people who are not genuinely sorry. With people who create situations specifically to punish others. That I will not continue making space for. I would rather seek distance than over-explain myself to people who do not actually care.
Over-explaining is exhausting
Over-explaining basic things to people who should already care is one of the most draining things I know. We learn early that when someone tells you that you have hurt them, the right response is to at least listen, especially if you have a real relationship with that person. It is genuinely basic. If I have to beg you to hear me, that tells me everything I need to know about how much you value what we have. It is action-based. Always.
If I have to beg you to care, that is already the answer.
Speaking up has its own consequences
I find it important to keep diving into who we truly are, how we operate, what our expectations are of ourselves and of others. Our actions will sometimes hurt people, directly or indirectly. Some people have told me that I hurt them by speaking openly about abuse. I understand that. I am also not swayed by it. I am grounded in my boundaries, and that will hurt people who feel entitled to my silence. I expect that. It is also not changing.
We can hurt people who want us to be endlessly agreeable. Who want us to be without limits. Who expect constant yes answers in the name of love or loyalty. Who expect us to lack a backbone so that their comfort is never disrupted.
That is not a relationship. That is a transaction where only one person is paying.
Ponder all of this.
