We have all heard it. "Just think positive." "Everything happens for a reason." "Good vibes only." On the surface these phrases seem harmless, even kind. But for people navigating real pain, especially survivors of abuse or high conflict family systems, they can do genuine damage.
Toxic positivity is not optimism. It is something else entirely. And understanding the difference matters.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is what happens when, instead of discussing or working through a difficult experience, someone is told they must simply maintain a positive mindset. It masks real issues with a false and forced "happier" perception. This is fundamentally different from optimism. Optimism is rooted in the reality of a situation. Toxic positivity is rooted in avoidance.
Why is toxic positivity harmful?
Toxic positivity is harmful because it is a silencing tactic. It shames and guilts people for expressing natural emotions. When someone responds to your pain with "just stay positive," you are left feeling unheard, and then guilty on top of it for not being able to see things through a brighter lens. That combination keeps people stuck. It prevents real processing.
Many people engage in toxic positivity because they genuinely believe that problems will resolve themselves over time. "Everything is going to be okay" sounds reassuring, but it is not a substitute for actually working through something. Critical thinking, honest conversation, and real support cannot be replaced with a platitude.
There is also another layer. People sometimes use toxic positivity because they are not comfortable with the conversation in front of them. They have not dealt with their own trauma, or they have repressed their own emotions for so long that hearing someone else express theirs triggers something uncomfortable. It becomes less about helping you and more about managing their own discomfort.
Toxic positivity is not about helping you heal. It is about making the other person more comfortable while your healing is put on hold.
Can people use toxic positivity on themselves?
Yes. Self-directed toxic positivity is a form of avoidance. When we override our own emotions, when we tell ourselves to just move on or look on the bright side instead of sitting with what we actually feel, we begin to disconnect from our own internal signals. Over time, this teaches the body to ignore its own nervous system and intuition. And moving away from intuition can keep people in dangerous situations far longer than they should be.
Why does toxic positivity feel so harmful to intuitive people?
For people who are naturally intuitive, being told that what they feel is not real or not valid is deeply destabilizing. Toxic positivity takes away the ability to find active solutions to real problems. It does not sit well because it should not. "Just think positive" is not applicable to every situation, especially those rooted in systemic or ongoing harm.
My own thoughts on toxic positivity
People who rely on toxic positivity tend to shut down any conversation that requires depth or discomfort. They move through difficult topics with platitudes designed to end the discussion rather than engage with it. They expect everyone around them to close off as well, because they are simply not capable of having those conversations.
For toxic positivity to persist in a group or family system, it needs enablers. These are the people ready to defend it with statements like: "You're creating hate," "You're adding fuel to the fire," "This is so divisive, can't you just show love?" or "If you just thought positively, things would change." These responses are not neutral. They are a way to shut down the conversation and protect the system.
Some people deploy toxic positivity through silence, staying quiet long enough to make the other person uncomfortable enough to change the subject. This is a projection tactic, shifting their discomfort onto you so that you end up managing feelings that were never yours to manage.
At its core, toxic positivity withholds healing. It gatekeeps recovery. And I have come to believe that in some dynamics, it is used deliberately, because the person benefiting from the status quo needs everyone else to stay stuck in it.
Toxic positivity is a form of control. It keeps people from asking the real questions and finding the real answers.
I also want to name something clearly: toxic positivity can be a tool abusers reach for when their other manipulation tactics stop working. It allows them to appear transformed, more evolved, more positive. It sounds like growth. But it is often just a new lens through which to maintain control.
Does that mean everyone who uses toxic positivity is an abuser?
No. Not at all. Many people fall into toxic positivity because they do not yet have the support or framework to do something different. They learned it. They were taught that this is what positivity looks like. That does not make it less harmful in the moment, but it is important to hold the nuance.
My own experience with toxic positivity
Toxic positivity shaped the beginning of my healing journey in ways I did not fully understand at the time. I believed that was what healing was supposed to look like. I shamed myself for my anger. I shamed myself for feeling triggered. I shamed myself for not responding to my experiences in a "better" way. So I masked. I put my people-pleasing conditioning into overdrive and focused on helping others, while my own unprocessed emotions continued building underneath.
Everything surfaced about a year into my healing journey. I found myself in a trauma workshop, in another state, away from any support system, and the workshop itself was steeped in toxic positivity messaging. I was retraumatized at an event designed to help me heal. I spent that night in the hotel room having major panic attacks. That experience taught me, in the most painful way possible, that I needed to find people who could actually hold space for the full weight of what I had been through. Not just the presentable parts.
It took longer to process because I had to undo both the original abuse and the toxic positivity layered on top of it. But what I learned is that real healing requires real space. Spaces where people are not shamed for what they feel. Spaces where facilitators are actually equipped for the work. Spaces where trust is treated as a foundation, not a formality.
That is the kind of space I try to create in every session.
